Short: leather →

The price of leather was in free-fall this Tuesday morning as the BHA (the “British Horseracing Authority”, not to be confused with the BHA, the “British Hospitality Association”, the BHA, the “British Humanist Association”, or BHA, Butylated hydroxyanisole) announced restrictive rules on the admissibility of horse whipping during races.

Interest in bookies and races in general was instantly dulled worldwide. Ladbrokes has already announced its intention to spin off its betting business during the upcoming quarter to concentrate on its core activity: burning money.

Long: prime bamboo plantation land in China →

The announcement that the rules on use of physical force in education would be slackened came as a relief to investors in prime bamboo producing land all over the world, as it became apparent that increased demand for canes will fuel a new boom in the market.

Investors remain hopeful of a knock-on effect in the thumbscrew industry, as production has been ailing for lack of market appetite in recent years, despite the urgency of action to stop our progeny from growing soft.

Long: television sets →

News that Rupert Murdoch has decided not to hack into the lives of every living being on the planet has renewed interest in the purchase of television sets.

The once ailing industry, said to be sidelined with the advent of youtube, is saved for now. Analysts remain skeptical as to long term chances of recovery, however, as network producers have recently announced to forego any original production for the foreseeable future.

Long: viagra →

Good news for Pfizer stock as one of the world’s most resilient military rulers has publicly recognised the potency of Viagra™ in combating civil unrest.

Large orders have already been placed by armies around the world, and a specially constituted Pentagon commission has been set the task of determining whether the next edition of World Domination for Dummies (ed: the command level strategy book used from three stars up) should be adapted to reflect these new developments.

In other news: Guardian News and Media Ltd. stock falling as readers turn to proper fiction.

Long: coal →

Investors are rushing to buy out the last remaining coal mines in the British isles as the Government has decided to go out with its plans to permanently cripple research into so-called “green energy” by forcing research labs to pay a premium on their electricity consumption.

An unexpected side effect has been a surge in demand for Collins English/French and English/German language dictionaries, pushed by scientists eager to leave England for the continent.

Short: house prices in Denmark →

Property prices in Copenhagen will likely hit new lows over the upcoming years as expatriates working in Lego factories begin their mass exodus. The ban of Marmite is seen as the final straw by many foreigners who used to look at their morning spread as the one enjoyable moment of the day before braving their boring Danish workday.

Lego officials have announced plans to move their factory to an undisclosed location in Switzerland where workers will be able, at the very least, to make the most of the ready availability of Cenovis.

Long: cats →

At nine tails a whip and with a booming fertility rate, the price of cats in Saudi Arabia is set to reach unprecedented heights.

Short: yorkshire terriers →

Canine markets are rife with speculation as to the identity of Fido, the Navy Seal dog. According to the NY Times, the military canine was either a Belgian Malinois or a German Shepherd.

Despite lingering doubts as to the specific breed, the certainty that Yorkshire terriers were not involved has created an immediate slump in demand. Although analysts expect this to be somewhat offset by sympathy purchases in the Middle-East, sales to Muslims are not likely to fully compensate the loss of the American neo-conservative market.

Long: game consoles →

Pictures released from the operation room of President Barack Obama have given the Playstation console a new lease of life despite recent announcements that all your credit card details would be sold to the highest bidder by employees of Sony Online Entertainment.

Game developer WhiteHouseGames™ has announced the upcoming commercial release of the much vaunted new game controller with integrated buzzer, as seen in the photos taken in Washington during the operation in Pakistan. According to President Obama, “[it’s] awesome how you feel the vibe in your palm when the bullet impacts.”

Short: popcorn →

The world’s foremost terrorist and public enemy number one since the arrest of Bernie Madoff was unceremoniously shot and subsequently buried at sea in a barely disguised attempt at regulating the price of corn.

Stockpiles built over the past decade in preparation for the trial of the century saw their value slashed instantly as the prospect of watching the endless rantings of Osama Bin Laden and various international prosecutors on CNN and the BBC World Service vanished without the hope of a replacement.

Muammar Gaddafi’s arrest remains a feeble hope for popcorn machine owners everywhere.

Short: gravel →

The price of gravel per cubic metre is in free fall since landscape artists have started to use the excess amounts of cheap porcelain flooding the market as an affordable and classy alternative to scatter on driveways.

Gravel salesmen have called the spring of 2011 “the worst recession since 1981”, in a barely disguised reference to the previous British crockery bubble.

Short: armoured pets →

News that a link has been found between contact with armadillos and leprosy in humans has rocked the armoured pet industry to its core.

Turtle sales have plummeted despite attempts by petshop owners to circumscribe the damage strictly to the placental mammal market, whilst screaming hairy armadillo futures seem as of yet unaffected as no one wants them at home anyway.

Long: titanium dioxide →

The announcement that borders would be reinstated in Europe and the Schengen agreement amended to force member states to redraw borders in a thick white line have prompted intense speculation on the titanium market.

Titanium dioxide is the main chemical used both in white Haribo jelly beans and in industrial grade white paint. Competition is expected to be fierce between border-guards and primary school children to secure vital supplies of the precious molecule more famously known as E171.

Long: apples →

Apple’s stockmarket value is set to hit new highs after the discovery that iPhones track user locations and timestamp your every step, and save this information in a manner accessible to private eyes with basic software.

The “revelation” is already being hailed as the savviest advertising campaign yet devised by Apple: sales of the already popular mobile telephone are expected to continue rising, boosted by gift purchases by worried mothers for their wandering offspring, and by jealous husbands for their wives.

Short: nobility →

The bottom has finally fallen off the peerage market, with the British PM distributing titles at two for the price of one. The so-called “Lordship bubble” is expected to burst with dramatic effects, with analysts predicting collateral disaster in the heraldry market.